Chalk Outline

The first rays of the Sun hurt my eyes badly. In general, my eyes were pretty sensitive – along with my other senses – but it didn't bother me much, because I was such in a good mood...

The reason was easy to find out: I was madly in love. I had known him for a few months, but for me it was love at first sight. I knew I couldn't be sure if he fell for me as well – although I was aware that I could never be such a fluker. That's why I didn't even try to make myself believe nor think something like this. Never. I kept telling myself that he only wanted to be my friend, and nothing else. It hurt a little, since I wanted a little more from him, but obviously someone cannot be forced to love another. Moreover, I wasn't such a sadistic nor anxiously willful human. I just had never been able to force someone to do something they didn't want to...

„I've been cursed...”

My day started like every other: I got up in the morning, went to school, came home, had lunch, then switched on my computer. Luckily, it was Friday, so I didn't have to study. I went online on Facebook, then I didn't have to do anything but to wait for him, till he came online as well. When it happened I waited for a few minutes, just in case to find out whether he'll send me a message or not. I tried to focus on some other, useless, tiny matters, like: which song to listen to, what to draw, etc. Several matters, none of them is necessarily important, and not even enough to actually catch my attention.

And then... I heard the sound of the notification: a new message!

„...I've been crossed...”

My heart started to beat like crazy right away when I saw the sender: it was HIM! I could hardly believe my eyes, but his name was there; white bold letters on the light blue background. I typed my reply for him, my message a thousand times calmer than I was: „Hi J”. If we were talking face to face I'm sure he'd have recognized my nervousness, simply by looking at my face. Maybe he would have even laughed at me and my reaction. But I just couldn't help it, I fell for him madly, so I simply wasn't able to control my feelings nor reactions at all.

„...I've been cut...”

We started chatting. It was going pretty well, both of us enjoyed the conversation. Even such topics, like he and I getting married, appeared and he said he'd take me to Japan and to Russia, just to drink a nice vodka. I told him I couldn't bear the alcohol well, and joked: „You'd leave your wife laying on the table, totally beaten by the heavy drink.”, but then I got a reply which shocked me: „Oh, don't worry. I'd never leave you anywhere.” – he said. The blood flooded right into my head immediately as my heart raced madly. I was incredibly happy.

„...I've been opened up...”

As the conversation went on, I got permission to go to his apartment on Huntington Beach to spend the summer there, I became his wife who is also the manager of his band and whom is dealing with the band's stuff during the summer in that fabulous house. Both of us loved Avenged Sevenfold. His favourite was the lead guitarist Synyster Gates. As me being his wife and the band manager at the same time came up, he said I'd more likely be Val than Michelle. I asked if he wanted my twin, and he asked: „You have one? :D” I said „no, but I can clone myself if you want”, then he said it was okay. I even asked if he wanted me to be in the role of Michelle or Val – his answer surprised me: „Don't clone yourself, be Michelle!”

„...I've been shattered by the ones I thought I loved...”

In the end we talked until 2:18 am! And at the end of the conversation he started talking about his role model in gymnastics. He sent me a picture of him and my reaction was „wow, not bad. :D”. Then he asked me what wasn't bad; the hair or the body, and my reply was “both.” And my jaw literally dropped when I read his reply which read “then you're looking at your future husband in summer-condition.” I asked if it would have been a problem if I monopolized him and he said it was okay, but he pitied the fans of his band. We both laughed but despite the conversation was awesome as it was, sadly, he left after that.

“...You keep coming back to the scene of the crime...”

A little while passed, and we talked again like everyday. Five days after our amazing conversation, about us getting married, he asked if I actually wanted to meet him at an occasion called the “Japanese Days”. I said “Okay, why not? J” His reply was “Okay. J”. He knew I loved Japan and that he would have gone there anyway, but that was a good opportunity for us to meet up for the first time.

“...but the dead can't speak and there's nothing left to say anyway...”

When the day, 26th May came, I was hyperventilating and was so anxious I can't even express it in words, even though I'm good at expressing myself by writing a text. But never mind. I had had every kind of imaginations about the two of us and how the day will be and what we will do. I arrived there about an hour earlier than he did, but I didn't mind it. I was walking around, checked everything on the exhibition and enjoyed myself. I kept glancing down to a counter which was supposed to be his, and when I saw him my heart skipped a beat. Even though we were so far away and I could hardly see him, I knew it was him. I was wearing my Avenged Sevenfold T-shirt that I had had made – it was dedicated to Syn Gates, since he was my favourite member of the band and I wanted a shirt with him. My choice was this T-shirt to wear because I had promised him before that once we get to meet I'd be wearing that T-shirt and I'd introduce myself to him in Japanese.

Though, after seeing him, a few more hours had passed and even my parents came, because I gave them a call of what I should do; I needed advice as to how to deal with him because we had been in the same room for hours now, but he just wouldn't come up to me to talk. I even walked in and out twice, thinking he would recognize me – his counter was only a few meters away from the front door. Luckily I didn't have to be alone, though, because I found a girl whom I befriended. No, actually it was her who came up to me. She said she loved my haircut because it was unique and she thought I would be a nice person as well. I smiled and she presented me with an even wider smile than before. We started talking and she introduced me to her other two friends. They all were really nice and I went over the exhibition with them as well. He was still busy with his friends and work awhile, and didn't care about me. The order of my company was: the three girls, then my parents. And with them, I went home. I ate lunch since I hadn't eaten anything up until then. I talked to them a little and they told me to go back to see his reaction and how he would act with me.

So, my father took me back to the university where the whole occasion was kept. Before leaving the car I had a little conversation with my him then he let me go with the words “See, he's at the stairs now. Maybe it's your only chance. Now, go and talk to him.” He even smiled at me and I got out happily. I walked to the stairs and saw the two girls who were the friends of the third girl who befriended me. I greeted them and went to talk to them, but then I recognized him smiling at me and my heart had skipped a beat again before it actually started to beat as fast as if it wanted to beat itself to death.

“...I've been cold in the crypt, but not as cold as the words across your lips...”

And since then on, we had been together for the whole time.

We were talking about everything, we were laughing and smiling all the time. And surprisingly, I was able to talk to him without being anxious – it was my very first time when I was able to do that with a guy whom I fell for. I thought it meant we were just meant to be, and that we're the perfect match for each other. Later on, I had to find out that I was mistaken. Badly.

I watched his performance. He was a member of the kendo-team of our town which I really admired, and also, he was one of the bests in his team. I was so proud of him and I thought that he had everything I had ever looked for in a boy, and last but not in the least, even our taste matched in a lot of things, we had a lot in common and he was just perfect...

After the performance he came back to me to talk. He was as kind as before, he was smiling all the time. He went to change back to his causal clothes and while waiting for him I was talking to other members of his team. When one of them learnt I was able to read the Japanese writing he asked me if I was able to read what was written on the belt of his kendo uniform. When I read it they were purely amazed – I knew I got a great impression on him as well, and that was the only thing I cared about. I even gave him a drawing of Syn because I figured he would be happy to have it. And he did seem to be happy about it. At almost the end of the day, just a little while before they had to pack their things up, he sat down and sighed. He looked up at me, but with such a warm and loving sight that I have never been given before. A gentle, kind smile was on his full lips – I doubt I could ever forget that tender face of his that he was looking at me with. It warmed my whole being, it gave me the feeling that my feelings are returned and that he feels the same towards me that I do: pure and unbreakable love.

I helped him a little with packing his things; actually, I was only walking with him on his side to the room and back down to the ground floor, to the hall, but I was just happy that we were talking all the time. I really treasured every single moment that we spent together, they were very precious to me. So far, that was the best day of my life. We left the university with one of his friends from the team and walked together for a while. He was joking and, according to what he told me later via chat, he was even more playful and active than usual. A huge smile spread on my face when I read his message; I knew it meant he liked me more than just a friend. Or at least, I left a deep impression in him and he likes me. Yes, I was sure he liked me.

We talked to each other that afternoon for a while, then he went off to have a party with his friends in the town. And then, the problems had started.

“...You left me here like a Chalk Outline on the pavement, waiting for the rain to wash away...”

The next morning when I went online on Facebook with my phone to check his wall my face turned pale and my heart almost stopped. I felt a huge bump in my throat that was choking me. I felt as if I couldn't breathe...

He started a relationship with a girl whom he had just met – accurately, at the night before. My heart suddenly started to feel really heavy, as if some kind of a weigh was put on my chest and it was drowning me. I almost started crying and I felt really uneasy. So after all that happened the day before, it didn't mean anything to him. It was only precious to me, but not to him. This revelation shocked me to death. That moment, something had broken in me ultimately, leaving an eternal, deep scar in my chest for the rest of my life. I knew I wouldn't be able to bear with it. I could only ask myself how long would it take me to forget about him. I even wished for the two of them to break up soon, but then I realized – I'm not like this. I'm not a person like this. I'm not someone who would wish for someone else to get unhappy and broken like I had gotten a few times in my life. Yes, I had been carrying many scars already, I really didn't need any more. Especially not such a serious one from him.

Even despite that, I went to the second day of the Japanese Days. I decided not to let that bring me down. I even managed to force a smile on my face. I walked to his counter directly, but he was ignoring me and only talked to the other members of his team. Then he went to the stage and gave a performance again. I was watching him the whole time. When they finished he came back and gave me a brief, but rather expressionless smile. The warmth of the day before was replaced by a really, really cold atmosphere. It only added to the weigh that had already been pressing on my chest. He only said “I'm sorry, I can't kiss your cheek now, because I'm dripping sweat.” My heart was shattered to pieces by his words, but I managed to hold back my tears and forced a smile again. I really had to pay attention to my voice not to break. I asked when will that performance come with a real sword that he was talking about yesterday. He said it should start soon. I thanked him then turned around and left him. I noticed him staring at me several times even after I left his side, but I tried not to think of it, even though it was a hard thing to do. I remembered he had done that the day before as well – the difference was inexpressible. The other day it felt really amazing, it gave my heart wings and I was sure I would have been able to fly away at any moment by my happiness. But that cold day was the complete opposite: whenever I noticed him looking at me I would always yell at him in my mind “don't dare to look at me now that you have a girlfriend”, but of course, it still made me as happy as I could be.

When the performance was over I went home, but sent him one last text via chat, still in a joking manner. Once at home, I joined my parents at my father's study. I grabbed my mother's laptop and logged in to Facebook.

And we had our very last conversation.

“...Wash away...”

We had a little chat about the content of the message I sent him there on my way home, but then suddenly the topic was changed: he started to talk to me about how much he loves his girlfriend and that how lucky he was that he had found her and he wished he was able to keep her, because he had a feeling he didn't deserve her. When I realized how much he treasures her, the pieces those were left from my heart were broken even more. It was just too much for me to bear and accept.

“...You keep coming back to the scene of the crime...”

And we hadn't talked since then.

“...But the dead can't speak and there's nothing left to say...”

I was listening to No Matter What by Papa Roach. I considered it as our song – the reason was that we had talked about it before and I told him I translated it. He praised me and after a few more messages we found out that our favourite part in that song was the same. It was where Jacoby is singing “I'll take a bullet for you if it comes to that.”

While listening to that song, I wrote a message – also, the very last thing that I had ever written. The message was a little story about how I felt about him. I titled it “Chalk Outline”.

I went to his place and put it in his postbox, then quickly left the place. I really didn't want him to recognize me. I didn't sign the paper, but I was sure he could find out who wrote that and that he could only think of me. The identity of the author was just so obvious...

Once at home, I was listening to our song again while watching pictures of him. I smiled, this time letting my tears to escape and slide down on my cheeks. Soon they covered my whole face and they were falling down onto my desk and laptop, also, onto his picture. I picked the gun I managed to get before and held it to my temple. I pressed it against my skin and to that important vein that was beating on my head right there, on my temple. I took a last sight on his picture, but instead of seeing that, his gaze appeared in front of me then I ignited the gun.

I had known I wouldn't be able to bear with it. And the fact that whenever I tried or decided to forget him, that song started to play – out of coincidence with the playlist set to random. And then I couldn't help but think of how he called me cute before and sent me hearts while talking via chat. But right now, there's nothing in my head nor my body. All I have left is...

“...All you left behind is a Chalk Outline.”